Lonely Out Here
by eiffel.tower.girl
Summary: PostESB, preRotJ. Leia’s ramblings, trying to understand what Han meant by ‘I know.’


**Lonely Out Here** by eiffel.tower.girl

_Post-ESB, pre-RotJ. Leia's ramblings, trying to understand what Han meant by 'I know.' _

* * *

So what I want to know is: what was with the 'I know'?

I mean, think about it. 'I love you.' 'I know.' Doesn't that seem kind of… uncaring? Inconsiderate? I mean, I had just pledged everything to him, everything in three little words, and all he could respond with was 'I know.'

Maybe he doesn't care. That's why. Maybe he doesn't feel the same way.

But…

But…

I was going to say that he has to feel the same way, and how could he be indifferent to me when I love him so much and that that was impossible. But it's not. What do I think gives me proof that he loves me back? His kiss? His smile?

There's nothing to prove it.

I have dreams about it nearly every night. In my dreams, I'm shouting that I love him on Cloud City, just before he goes into carbonite. There's this mist around his eyes that takes a while to clear, and when it does he's looking right at me, his eyes hard, or cold, or… I don't know. Just… stiff.

And he says, 'No.' One word that really means nothing in response to what I said yet seems to mean everything, to mean the answer I was dreading, to mean my world is falling apart, to mean he doesn't love me.

And then instead of being lowered into the freezing chamber he seems to fall in suddenly, and when he falls, I fall, and suddenly I'm falling down a long, huge black shaft like Luke must've after his battle with Vader. And as I fall I can still hear everything that was said after Han was frozen.

'He's alive. And in perfect hibernation.'

And the cold, heartless mechanical breathing of Darth Vader.

And I'm falling and falling and then I see a white light below and I think I see Han's face in it and I'm falling towards him, but even as I fall he's still the same distance away and I can't get to him. And then he whispers 'no' again, only softer and my eyes fill up with tears when he says it and then I'm back on that landing platform and I see that stupid bounty hunter's ship take off and take Han with him.

And I don't know if I'll ever see him again.

And then I'm all alone on the platform and I break down and start crying, start sobbing and I just keep thinking _he doesn't love you, he doesn't love you._ And then a stormtrooper comes out and shoots me and when I wake up I'm back in my bed and I'm crying and I'm usually awake crying for the rest of the night.

But wait, if I say I love him and he says he knows, how does he know? How can he? He can't, can he? Maybe he could tell. Maybe I'm just that obvious and he knew all along and it was easy for him to trick me and act like he felt the same way.

I just want to know what he meant.

But… what if I never see him again?

And why, when people (including me) say 'I love you' they expect to hear the same thing back? Or at least they expect the other person to say that they don't love them. I mean, nothing about that statement is a question, is it? But it works like one. When we say 'I love you' we're also asking 'Do you love me too?' and we expect an answer, and it seems kind of irrational to me to expect an answer to something that's not really a question. But we do. Because it implies a question.

So really, what response was I expecting? Or, what response was I hoping for? To hear the same declaration back? If I didn't really ask a question, why do I feel like I have an unanswered question just hanging in the air? I'm frustrated because I can't tell if that's a yes or a no but I guess I shouldn't really expect to hear a yes or no because I didn't really ask him a yes or no question, did I?

No. Yes. I don't know.

I'm a mess right now. I spend almost all night crying and I hardly get any sleep but I'm starting to get used to it and my body doesn't need sleep anymore, which scares me. And I hate late at night because that's when all I can think about is him and I try to make sense of what he said and that's when the nightmares come and I cry and I cry and I cry.

And sometimes Luke comes to me, like he senses I'm crying or something and he wants to comfort me. And he holds me close and tells me not to worry and that he knows Han loves me.

But what does Luke know? He just wants to make me feel better.

And then I say 'what if I never see him again?' and he says 'you will' and I say 'how can you know that?' and he says 'I just know.' And that scares me because it sounds so much like Han's 'I know' and if those mean the same thing I hope they both mean yes, that he does love me and I will see him again.

But… what if they both mean no? What if Han really doesn't love me and I never see him again? I have no idea what would happen then, and that scares me.

And what if Han really doesn't love me? Would I rather never see him again and always be able to pretend and tell myself that he did love me or would I rather he told me to my face and I had to live with the truth for the rest of my life? I like to think I'd want to know the truth, but part of me would like to lie to myself forever.

But I really want to him again. More than anything.

And what makes Luke think that everything's going to turn out for the best? Because, you know, I don't really think it is. I mean, ever since Alderaan, it's like nothing lasts anymore. If I ever see Han again and he does love me he'd probably get sick of me after a while and that would be the end of it. But I know I'd still love him. Because that's what lasts. _I_ last. But no one else does. And it's getting pretty lonely out here.

* * *

_So what did you think? You know, this is my first fanfic and I came up with it once when I couldn't sleep at three-thirty in the morning, and I think it sucks. It's not sad enough, right? It's too rambly. It's hard to make rambling sad._

_Whatever. Review please!_


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